On Monday night, as the news of Samuel Alito’s draft leaked, revealing SCOTUS's plan to throw out Roe whole cloth, I posted a tweet amid my rage and fear, with the intention of exposing the most extreme case of hypocrisy of GOP lawmakers. But that is not how it came out: Instead, it portrayed Black men as rapists, and that undermined my point, and it was hurtful and harmful and just plain awful. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. What at the time feels like stupid shit-talking on the internet can snowball into real harm, and in this case it has. When I realized what I’d written, in my panic, I deleted the tweet and deactivated my Twitter, only to discover that it made things much worse. There’s not much of a road map for this kind of thing, at least not for an old person like me who isn’t as online as others.

When we say things that cause harm and hurt, intended or not, apologies are not accepted, and I understand and appreciate that. I am reticent to even describe the thought process that led to that awful tweet, because I don't want it to sound at all like I'm trying to justify it, or prove that I'm not a racist. Racism is a verb, it's an action, and I performed a racist act. It doesn't matter what my motives or thought process were, or what is in my heart. I completely own up to that, and I am profoundly sorry. I've never regretted anything this much in my life. To say that this is and has been instructive would be a massive understatement.

Nobody wants another performative "I'M LISTENING, and LOOK WHAT I'VE LEARNED" statement, because they usually hit as disingenuous. I'm literally no one and there will be no comeback tour. So if this comes across that way, in any way, I apologize for that too. I can only say that I have been reading everyone’s responses, which are not easy to bear, but necessary nonetheless.

I have not processed the last several years very well at all, and I have allowed my feelings of rage and powerlessness to boil into nihilism and hatred. I have allowed the circumstances that we are living under to twist me into a shape I don't recognize. In this twisting, parts of me have been revealed that I really hoped weren't there, but there they are.

This is the worst thing that any of us can do, and I've done it. Looking at the responses to things that I've said, from all angles of response to this horrible stupid fucking tweet, has made me realize that in a very real way. I really like to think of myself in a very different way, but there it is. The more that we all allow ourselves to devolve into what I've devolved into, the catastrophically worse are the circumstances that we are living under. The fact that I have contributed to this devolution is horribly painful and, again, instructive.

I am not seeking forgiveness, but I am, from the bottom of my heart, here to express my horror and my remorse. My heart feels very sick over this, please know that I am genuinely sorry. I showed my entire idiot ass to the world, and in trying to say one thing, carelessly, and with deeply ill-considered and harmful language, implied quite another. No interpretation of the statement was good or worth saying. None of those words should ever have been in a sentence. I look at it now and feel a full body nausea. I can't believe I even had that thought, much less put it on fucking Twitter.

I believe in equity and equality for all, and, like many of you, I share your fears and rage at this news of a decision that has devastating implications for all of us. I can’t take back my shitty stupid words, no matter how profoundly I regret them, but if there is a way to repair the damage I’ve done, I am eager to do so. That’s not me asking for others to do the work to tell me how, because that is the worst. I never want to have this happen again. I want to fight together against these terrifying forces who are taking away our rights by the fistful, and whatever shape that takes for me, I want to take it.

I am deeply sorry, from the bottom of my heart.

Amanda Duarte